So Nick and I had a long talk about my last journal entry -- which most of you probably never saw since I got rid of it shortly after I posted it -- and I came to realize that a lot of the relationship trouble I'm having is my fault. Now, don't think I've been brainwashed or some weird crap like that. I have known for a long time that I have a lot of issues, but my most recent relationship has really made me take a look at just how far and deep those issues go and realize that if I ever want to have a productive and healthy relationship I am going to have to change my behavior drastically.

Right now I will admit that I am feeling depressed. A lot of it stems from the fact that I have had all this time to do something productive with my life and have not, and some of it stems from the fact that I have had a lot of the tools to change the way I deal with people and relationships and never have. I won't say that my relationship with my ex was by any means healthy -- one with physical abuse in it certainly can't be -- but by the same token I am now left to reflect and wonder how much of that abuse was my fault because I drove him to it with my own stubbornness and naivety. I know that given my upbringing that I am very bad at receiving criticism in a constructive manner, but that is something I can change, and need to change. I know, logically, that comments about my manner of dress, or choice in food, or other things are not always meant in a mean way, even if that is what I grew up with. I do logically know that those around me that talk about it only want to see me happy and healthy and that they say something because they care.

Unfortunately I've let my mind run amok without the help of cool, calm logic to direct it and it in turn has taken the well worn path, assuming all kinds of things about what someone said, and how it mean and hurtful they are to bring it up. Those are my flaws. Those are my faults. I am very bad about assuming the worst in situations where someone means no harm and being naive and believing the best in a situation where someone does mean me harm. Of course that is no one's fault but my own. I know that I need to stop reading meanings into what someone says and take it at face value and ask for clarification if I need more details rather than assuming something based off their tone, gestures, or other cues that I try to interpret how that I want them to be, rather than how they are.

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It's funny how your life can turn upside down in the blink of an eye.

Okay, so I haven't blogged in a while. I keep saying I'm going to fix that but it keeps not happening. Of course, depending on how things go my blog may become my leather-bound journal. Old fashioned, huh? Maybe I'm getting ahead of myself though. Let's give some back story to put these latest events into perspective.

When I moved out to Florida I moved out here with the understand that Nick, Nora and myself were going to move into an apartment together. Well, since I moved out here we've hit a number of hitches that have kept us from getting work or financial aide. The chief among these was that Nick and I don't have local state identification. Turns out in Florida you've got to have your birth certificate in order to get an ID card. I can deal with that, but I wasn't given this information in a timely manner. To be fair I should have checked for myself, but I guess I was naive enough to think that I could get a job with my previous state ID and then get a local one after I got work. I guess Florida is a little stricter than that, but I should have been smart enough to look this information up myself. So, I guess I'm just as much to blame as anyone.
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Yeah, it's the angry eye. As anyone who reads my blog -- does anyone actually read this? -- has no doubt figured out by now this means that this particular entry is going to be a rage entry. In other words I'm going to rant and rave angrily about something that has particularly irked me right now.

Right now, I'm irked at Nick -- when am I not irked at him in my blogs lately? -- but I'll try to be fair and present my case in a reasonable fashion.

So, here goes.

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I swear it seems like I'm always writing about something depressing. Why can't I write about something happy for a change?

Am I that miserable of a person?

I'm beginning to wonder.

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<muse>Why is it I always seem to blog when I'm moody?

I guess for me it is because it lets me vent in a way that is relatively safe and incapable of arguing back. Unless, of course, someone actually were to bother commenting on my blog. As if that will ever happen. Ha.

I think my biggest problem right now is I'm not really sure why I am upset. It's irksome. I like my world in this nice and logical place where I can categorize everything I do, feel, say, need, and so on. When my emotions go off on a bi-polar rant for no apparent reason it really drives me crazy.

Well, technically I guess it wasn't for no reason at all.

Should I start at the beginning?

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I am really pissed off right now.

I know that Nick says he loves me. And I believe him. I really do. But our current circumstances are proving incredibly frustrating to me. The thing that has me most angry right now is the fact that yesterday we said we would take a bath together earlier today, and then after I'd made us breakfast and been puttering around on my computer -- had to reformat, more on that later -- he brought up the idea of a bath again, so I shut down what I was doing so we could have said bath.

Well, turned out he wasn't done working on his Dark Brotherhood stuff.

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To say that I am upset right now would be like saying the sun is hot. There are no words for the boundless depths of despair I am feeling. Here I am about to have to walk however many miles to where I am meeting my ride to go have Christmas dinner with friends and I'd rather forgo food and just sit by the computer and wait for him. I was such a complete idiot last night. I'm sure some idiot would consider it a win, but why on earth did my stupid stubbornness have to rear its ugly head when he practically demanded that I use my webcam in our Skype call?

And for that matter, why the fuck did I make such a big deal out of my webcam in the first place if I knew I was going to be uncomfortable using it? Am I just playing all my stupid cards at once? I must have gotten a really bad hand...

My chest hurts so badly and I can't get ahold of him because his phone is turned off and all I can feel is agony. I want to be forgiven. I want a second chance. I don't know what I will do if he turns me away. I will have no where to go. I've already set the wheels into motion. It isn't as though I can stop them. It was such a simple request and my stupid little mind decided to get stubborn about it with the person who matters most to me in the world after my son.

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So, I've got a crap ton to do toward packing and moving out, and I'm sitting here writing a blog. Well, I guess we know where my priorities lie.

To be fair I need to write a bunch of stuff anyway, so starting with my blog isn't a bad thing. It helps me clear my head to write the other things I need to write.

It's Winter Solstice. First day of Winter, and the night will become shorter from here on out, which is sad because Winter is when the most beautiful stars and constellations are out, like Orion, Canis Major, and Taurus. It is when the most magnitude one or brighter stars are out as well, so while the air is cold and crisp you can see the beauty of the heavens in a very breathtaking way. I wish I had someone here to share it with.

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Okay, so I haven't written in a while. Shame on me. Things have been really crazy I guess. I've had a lot going on and my mind has felt pretty cluttered. I suppose that if I had blogged about it maybe my mind wouldn't feel so cluttered, but c'est la vie. It's in the past now. No changing it.

So I ended up rejoining the Dark Jedi Brotherhood. I suppose a better thing to say was I got reinstated. I had to get a new PIN (10373) but I got my join date restored and what not, so at least I'm not starting from total scratch. Granted I'm starting at Jedi Hunter, the rank below Dark Jedi Knight, but it should still be something I can obtain before the Great Jedi War here in January, I think, since technically I've been a Jedi Hunter for six years in that group. Time certainly isn't the issue. I just have to complete their requirements, which are simple enough.

One of them is to write fifteen pages of non-competition fiction so I've started keeping my in character journal for Tirna Q'jira again. You can find it here. It has quite a bit of old stuff that I wrote for her, so it should provide a glimpse into her past, though admittedly I need to update it soon because she is very... different right now. Quite broken. But it will make for a lot of interesting plot. I'm very intrigued to see where it goes.

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Have you ever loved someone with all your being before?

People throw the word Love around so much these days that it seems to have lost its meaning for many. Love isn't just an emotion. Love is a state of being. Love is. It's a very complicated state of being at that. There is so much that it defies words, yet it defines you. When you really, truly love someone you never really stop loving them. You may come to terms with it and set it aside, you may lock it up, you may deny it, but real love is not something you just cast aside. Real love is something that so few people understand these days.

I see so many people in relationships that are far too casual yet they throw the L word around. Is it any wonder that "those three words" just aren't enough anymore?

I've loved and I've lost and I've loved again. That doesn't mean I don't still love the first person I loved, but I've had to come to terms with that state of being and move on. He loved me. But now he chooses to hate me for the things I remind him of. This saddens me deeply, yet I love him too much to try and change him. I love him and want him to be happy, even if it isn't with me. Real love puts the other above yourself. Real love if selfless. Real love is timeless.

I'm still broken inside from that relationship. I know I am. I still love him and I know I'll never change that, but I've accepted it. In that acceptance I've found the ability to move on and heal a few of the open wounds into mere scars. Does that mean it doesn't hurt anymore? Fuck no. It hurts every day I think about it. Every day I know that man has my son, it hurts like hell. But I go on. I have to go on. Because I love. It's so vitally important to keep going. To not let the grief, the rage, the sorrow, the pain consume you.

Since then I've come to love someone else, but this has brought a different sort of pain. Maybe I'm a glutton for punishment? Does the pain motivate me? Maybe. I really couldn't tell you, but at least in feeling the pain I know I exist, I am real, I am alive. The pain is better than numbness. The pain is better than emptiness. The pain tells me there is something or someone still there, no matter what else happens he still exists, like me. Our mutual existence brings me both pain and comfort. I know he loves me. His actions tell me more than any words he fails to say. The thoughtful way he sent me rain in the desert, just so I could stay up all night and know he loved me. It brings me joy and sorrow in the same moment.

Our lives follow a similar path and yet at the same time a very different one. He, like me, has been hurt for loving another. He drove her away, I did everything I could to keep mine. We're opposite in some ways, and yet so similar in others. He has an inner darkness that I am drawn to. Perhaps it is my own inner darkness. Our souls are intertwined, pieces traded back and forth like an incomplete puzzle. I miss him every moment that I am not with him, and yet I am forced to keep a distance. I do it for him, because I love him, even though inside I am screaming with all my being how I want to be with him. It hurts every day, but it's a different sort of pain. I go on with the knowledge that I am doing what makes him happy and I find a strange joy in the knowledge that the space I give him makes him happy.

I have served as a medium between his ex and himself because her pain is so great that she can't bear to talk to him directly, and yet she longs to, perhaps drawn to him in the same way that I am. It gives him great joy when I do those little things for him. I can see it. He wants her back in so many ways. He knows he screwed up. I feel like I stab myself in the chest every time I do it, but I still do it because I love him. My love gives me the strength to be better than I am, for him.

I am far from perfect. I am broken inside. I am damaged. But for him I can be better. For him I can go further.

That is real Love.

( Letter )

Got back from my interview around noon. I'm pretty tired, but I wanted to post something before I went to bed.

Looks like I've got a job, though I'll still see if Wal*Mart offers me a better deal. The 7-Eleven manager is willing to give me at least 7.50 but will try to get my 8.00 an hour given my experience. Hopefully that'll go through. Tomorrow I go for the drug test and she's dropping off the paperwork so that they can start the background check Monday. Hopefully all that will come back before the week is out and I can start working, as I really need the money to pay my landlady.

I had to talk with her today, which was less stressful than our conversation Friday. Thankfully I was able to give her good news and while I can't promise an amount when I receive my paycheck -- since I don't know how their pay structure works yet -- I told her that I would do my best to pay her as close to the full amount possible. I'm hoping to have the full 300 when I get my first paycheck -- between the paycheck and plasma -- but it's still a bit up in the air. Cross your fingers for me that things go smoothly and quickly.

I am sitting here sipping my soda but I can hardly keep my eyes open. I guess I'm going to go crash and write more tomorrow.

Well, I voted today. I guess that means I did my civic duty, right? I was fortunate that the line was very short so it didn't take me long. I did it while I was out and about doing job hunting.

Speaking of job hunting, I have had the great fortune of getting myself a couple of interviews. For those of you out there looking for a job, a bit of advice: always try to hand in your application to the manager, or if it's electronic arrange to meet with them after it gets in the system. Follow up is key. I've got an interview with 7-Eleven tomorrow and an informal one with Wal*Mart Tuesday. I hope everything goes well tomorrow. It'll be interesting to see what happens.

Stayed up all night so I'm about to crash. I'm still sick and I need to rest. Most likely I'll end up staying up all night again anyway. At least I know I'll get to my interview in time.

Anyway, I'm crashing. Later.

Sorry that I haven't updated in a few days. I've been sick so mostly I've just wallowed around in bed and gone necessary things.

I did a lot of Internet browsing mostly. I found this awesome Doctor Who icon that I must thank crazypandabear for. She is a goddess of web icons. Go check out her community now for many more awesome ones.

And yes, for those of you who are now wondering, I am an American Doctor Who fan. The series is absolutely amazing and well worth the watch. I've seen the whole of the new series and gone back and started watching what I can find of the older, classic Who. I hope that I'm not the only Doctor Who fan out there in America, but I somehow doubt it. At any rate, enjoy the new icon. It's absolutely spiffy.

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Despite the fact that I ended my journal entry around two AM last night I spent the next two hours or better tossing and turning and trying to get to sleep to little avail. I tried burning some Pagan Spell incense and even considered writing a bit but ended up reading instead. I was rather frustrated as my last of sleep meant I slept in again today and thus I didn't get to the plasma center until almost four PM. Thankfully they were still taking donors.

I bought myself some green tea so I could continue to hydrate myself while I waited, having had a glass of milk and the last of my orange juice before I left with the oatmeal I ate for breakfast. Unfortunately I think that I lost my bus pass when I pulled my wallet out of my pocket. Unfortunately I didn't discover this until I got done donating, so the last few days of this month will involve much walking and biking about in the cold. Oh, well. I need the exercise.

On a brighter note my plasma donation went much better this time. I only suffered mild dizziness on the last draw, had music and my squishy ball this time to make squeezing my hand easier, and got to do some sudoku. Solved one of the puzzles by the time I was done. It only took an hour for them to finish drawing, despite having to do my left and deeper AC vein. Those seventeen gauge needles are quite big. Despite my phlebotomist's six years of experience she had to fish a bit for the vein. I opted not to watch, for despite my ability to face much carnage and death I have no great love of being jabbed with large needles.

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Today has been kind of an odd one. Bit of a roller coaster, if you know what I mean. For starters I was awake until somewhere around five or six this morning, when exhaustion finally kicked in and I got so tired I couldn't keep my eyes open. So I dropped off and slept like a freaking comatose log until four in the afternoon. Sheesh. So much for getting stuff done today. So I get up, achy from probably not moving much while I slept. I usually dream or something but I was completely and utterly zonked. Meh.

So I get up, get dressed, make myself a sandwich to get something to eat before I go get my paychecks, because I KNOW if I leave without eating I'm going to spend money eating out and I really cannot afford to do that right now. Money is way too tight. Damn the economy!

So I eat and hop on IRC, chatting a bit with my friends on Keiichi.net Radio and end up yelling at this guy named Trygon to shut the fuck up about KH. I'm not saying KH is a saint by any means but Trygon seems to have made it his mission to make her miserable and I find that horridly distasteful. Particularly calling her fat when she is far from it. At her age she needs no blows to her self esteem. So I told him the shut the fuck up because I didn't want to hear it.

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